When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
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Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.