Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.

Pick one and get out of my face.

Meanwhile in Heaven…

Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.

Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can

Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television

6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.

“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life

Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.

Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.

jesus, what did this guy do

Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.

If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner

Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.

My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”

I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.

“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train

My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs

Her: You need to multitask better

Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone

Her: That’s goo-

Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else

I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.

I miss third grade.

Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Lil’ Jon: WHAT

Priest: you say “I do”

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I do

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I DO

Lil’ Jon: YEAH!