When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
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I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Self-cleaning conscience
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥