Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”

Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.

Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says

Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are

Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.

What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃

My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?

Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.

The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud

The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”

Sloth 911: What’s your emergency

[1 week later]

Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT

[1 week later]

Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month

No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….

Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO

Me: are they human?

Him: no they’re-

Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer

Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable

‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery

Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*

Victim: why are you doing this?

Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol

My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.

Important reminders

When someone asks if I have any hobbies

I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..