Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”

Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?

I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.

“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world

Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.

Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.

If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.

I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.

box: meow

schrodinger: ignore that

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair

My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:

Robots…

– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up

My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud

*opened popsicles

Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder

Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!

Priest: *stops talking*

Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.

but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim

7-year-old: I found a penny.

Me: Good job.

7: How many more do I need for college?

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)

I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.

Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.

Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.

7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore

Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone

He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.

— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days

oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere