When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
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ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.