When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
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My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Donkey Kong sommelier
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle