When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
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Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees