When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
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“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
8: I wish we celebrated Christmas so we could ice skate.
Me: Jews can ice skate too dude.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Friend: What’s the consequence for bigamy? Me: You have to visit TWO sets of inlaws over the holidays
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack