When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
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i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.