when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
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I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
tourist season
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]