when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
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I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
