Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview

My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.

I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”

She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”

I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.

*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets

*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!

Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?

College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.

edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him

I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.

Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.

My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.

Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren

Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*

I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.

To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy

MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!

If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.

Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting

KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style

I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots

Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill