Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]

What I said: it’s bedtime

What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

[summons genie]

genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes

me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote

genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works

17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq

*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…

*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?

I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.

“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist

My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?

Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse

*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*

I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

[interview]

Any questions?

“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”

No about working here

“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”

I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.

Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink

I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.

All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!

*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.

when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…

[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen

I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.

Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.

Police: Because you keep killing people

Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?

Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.

[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR

If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…

You might be dating my wife.