Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

me: “spends hours with my favourite person”

me as soon as they leave:

Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.

My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.

Me: What am I a pillow now?

Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.

I think we’re bonding.

Romeo: *is added to DM room*

Juliet: *is taking a room break*

Romeo: *leaves room*

Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.

Help Wanted

I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.

People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.

crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers

I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.

Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old

Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.

“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.

When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”

I could have died and those would have been my last words

*logs onto Facebook*

*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*

*logs off forever*

sweet dreams💖

My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.

thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out

DR: Good news and bad news

LADY: What’s the bad news

DR: Your husbands dead

LADY: *crying* Oh my god

DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is

Babe, are you today’s date cuz you’re a 1/10

Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*

I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.