Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,

My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.

What is the deal with airplane food?

Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.

Never share breakfast with a duck‼️

Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.

*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*

Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work

Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked

Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!

You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know

my sentiments exactly

Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef

[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire

Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.

Me:

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

[my husband turning onto our street]

“know what I think?”

husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.

“we’ve been down this road before”

Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead

wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]

Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

‘Drinking water successfully’ is out

‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in

Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro

But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

Me: how do I do taxes?

School: here’s a recorder

Me: what is a credit score?

School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this

Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?

School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.

*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.

And we wonder why America is getting fat.

MATH

I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank

one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked

Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.

Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?

Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.

Marriage Counsellor: …