Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.

My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.

But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.

Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?

My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned

amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming

*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”

If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.

Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day

Me: lights xmas candle

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.

Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.

Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.

You’re not an “empath”.

You have “chronic heartburn”.

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row

Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees

8: mommy I want to study pastrami

Me: why pastrami specifically?

8: I’m just super interested in the stars

Me: astronomy you mean astronomy

8: pretty sure it’s pastrami

Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?

I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.

some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows

Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.

Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?

Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?

This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.

Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.

So I keep making mistakes.

Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow