Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Do you know what you are doing?

Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?

Him: No.

Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.

You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.

Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.

I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.

Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

looks legit

My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.

Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?

A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.

If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.

I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.

Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play

Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold

ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”

My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.

They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?

Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”

– oscillating fans

Them: Tell us something about yourself.

Me:

me: [climbing a tree]

bonsai artist: please stop

I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”

Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…

I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it

Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50