When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
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My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
tag yourself
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
