When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
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Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.