When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
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I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.
And they come in the next 15 minutes.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
