When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
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“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Just put on my brand new shirt.
Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
After ten years of marriage I’ve realized that I also need a wife to take care of me.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.