when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
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God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree