When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
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Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.