When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
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You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Meanwhile in Canada…
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)