Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”

~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night

As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.

[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”

I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”

Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.

OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!

“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

Netflix and awkward silence?

me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]

I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.

I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.

ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?

HIM: Beers

ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.

[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work

20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.

If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.

Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?

Dr: I hate this job.

Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”

[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all

kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no

wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial