When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
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My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.