When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
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*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.