When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
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[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
My safe word is Worcestershire
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
happy mother’s day❤️
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
i made a craigslist ad !
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines