When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
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Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Them: How corny are your jokes?
Me: Pretty corny
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished
until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.