When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
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VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.
Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school