When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
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I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Ha
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.