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If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
#TopTip
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.