when you order from DoorDastardly
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idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
dril cadence
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
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*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo
Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
As we head into 2025, remember that 1980 is 20 years ago. We all agreed on this.