When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
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dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Multitask? I can barely unitask
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
1. Go to party
2. Eat all cheese at party
3. Leave party
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.