When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
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Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.