When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
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Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.