When you pick your nose after dusting the house
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They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party