Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you

granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH

Welcome to the stomach

My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.

It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.

To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.

Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good

What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”

<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>

the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off

We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.

I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat

I’m 36 going on 37.

Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.

Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.

Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean

Voila

Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

[to the tune of little drummer boy]

baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo

Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you