When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
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Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
scrabbled eggs
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.