When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
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*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Good morning
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes