When you “pspspsp” too hard
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My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me
Zack Greinke stories are the best
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen