Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
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I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Sign at work today
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th