When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
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I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?