When you put it that way… 😂
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me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.
…No, YOU shut up.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
are they though??
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?