When you put it that way… 😂
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My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
called in thicc to work this morning
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow