Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge

Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.

We are all just prisoners here of our phone device

Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest

me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse

wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal

Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears

Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around

My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.

How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?

Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart

Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck

In their other hand

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING

technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water

I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life

The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”

at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.

*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*

Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.

Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.

Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*

How to meet a girl:

1) Walk into a bar.

2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”

3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.

If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.

my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.

a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!

ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!

In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids