When you put it that way… 😂
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Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.