When you put it that way… 😂
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Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread
make sure its switched to “on”
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.