When you put it that way… 😂
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I never needed anything more in my life
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
decorating my apartment
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”