When you put it that way… 😂
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“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
There are usually two types of merchants.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?