When you put it that way… 😂
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“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao