When you put it that way… 😂
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If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Lmao 🤣
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
A friend sent me this.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
