Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.

when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”

I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀

I love texting my boyfriend

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

[first date]

Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys

Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]

me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!

My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.

My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.

Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”

Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats

This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬

Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?

pizza

Dropped mother-in-law at airport.

Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.

In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.

If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

me: your wife’s surgery was a success

him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?

me: *shrug* I’m free whenever

It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.

To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.

Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.

She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.

I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.

Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”