When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
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[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right