When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
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i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.