When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
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Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
When can I start eating bats again.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now