Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently

SON: Oh my god what’s wrong

ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake

Me: My book was translated for the UK.

Wife: They speak English.

Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.

Steven: I love you

Stephen: I lophe you too

Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it

Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.

Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.

One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.

Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”

I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in

Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about

Me: USB sticks

Wife: Oh thank god

Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.

[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*

CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

[First Date]

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”

Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”

Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”

5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.

The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself

I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please

her: what do u do

me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs

her: are u serious ??

me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.

Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish

I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???

If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE

“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.

[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.

[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”

Alexa: *cackles maniacally*