Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??

Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!

Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!

GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop

ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?

GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs

ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?

Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away !

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!

Sing it!

Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”

(watching Elijah Wood in lotr, maybe the best casting in the history of cinema) Well that’s certainly one take on the character

Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.

Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please

Went to get coffee for a coworker.

I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.

Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.

10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.

Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?

He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.

Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE

“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room

I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.

[guy who’s about to invent politics]

*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

LOL

Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.

Yet the one time I did, I got banned