Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”

Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”

Shit.

This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.

“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft

My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.

Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs

Google: do you have any enemies?

“You got any plans tonight?”

Me: Yeah, sorry I do

The plans:

The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.

Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about

{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*

I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.

When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options

THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.

HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.

Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.

Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?

It’s called Dye Another Day

My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”

Love you Dad

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.

Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.

If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.

CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!

Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!

What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:

Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.

make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years

if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it

*Jumps out of bed

“Seize the day!!”

*Stubs toe

*Calls in sick