When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
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If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.