When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
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2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Me: Did you bring a poop bag in case the dog poops?
Bf: I brought 2 bags!
Me: Oh, good. I can take a poop then too.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
if he doesn’t like your fruit puns you need to let that mango
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.