When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
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My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.