Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain

[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright

There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.

The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.

I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”

Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.

“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”

Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”

God: Give them free will

Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”

God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.

My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.

Casual: Rob a bank

Fancy: Robert a bank

People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.

Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.

Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically

Shoo shoo! 😂

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……

WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died

BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year

ME: yeah she’s a cat

If someone is whistling they:

1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone

[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.

Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.

{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.

Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon

I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.

If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.

They were a jeanious.