When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
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cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”
me at 10am:
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class