Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…

Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.

Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.

i feel so bad i refunded him

I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.

Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.

*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy

grandpa was shocked

In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.

I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.

Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”

Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]

Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet

Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.

The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.

Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”

I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*

[flashback to 1st date]

*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn

Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”

Doctor: What’s the problem?

Me: Our baby cries all night

Doctor: That’s quite normal

Baby: ALL NIGHT

Doctor: Holy shit

I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.

You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?

DOCTOR: I have bad news

MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.

Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.

My loaf of bread looks terrified

Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?

Wife: Oh god

Me: They study algae, brah!

Judge: Divorce granted

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?