When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
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people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.