When you said “let’s circle back to that in the new year” and now it’s the new year.
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Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
fucked up and threw a surprise party for my minimalist friend. now 25 of us hiding behind the granite orb
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
*watches the world burn*
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.