When you said “let’s circle back to that in the new year” and now it’s the new year.
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Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
R.I.P. 2024 (2024 – 2024)
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
you know what ruined my childhood? children
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Realize this:
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.