When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
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(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I’m awake but I object,
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
🖕🏻👽
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it