When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
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No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
New menu item
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Please do it!
I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.