I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
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husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.