When you say “9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans” all I hear is “there’s a bear out there who knows how to use matches.”

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I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.


He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*


inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO


Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.


ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”

DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well

ME: thanks tell my wife I love her


Met this nice girl at the mall today. Her name was No. and coincidentally her number was also No.


why are clothes so expensive???? i should not have to pay this much to not be naked. people should pay ME to not be naked


Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.