When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
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me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
lol
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.