Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:

I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

[therapy]

me: I’m really trying to change

therapist: that’s great

me: I want to be become a different person

therapist: how

me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis

therapist: no

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me

*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*

MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.

I don’t call myself pesky for nothing

Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie

Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life

Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing

There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me

Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?

“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.

My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.

*Brings pen to sword fight*

Guy with sword : What’s that?

Me : Tis mightier!

*Gets beheaded*

So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?

I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.

Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?

Me: …in the basement?

Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now

The Universe: hold my beer

Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM

Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.

Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.

When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.

Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.

All of these stories about missing campers.

Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.

1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃