When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
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My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
An odd boast
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
I gave up going to work for lent.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog