When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
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nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Feels
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer