When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
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Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in
am i cooked
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
