Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At this point, egging someone’s house could be interpreted as a sign of affection.

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.

Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws

The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.

7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!

Me: suddenly now you can do math

Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.

My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.

*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good

Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans

I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets

SPLOOT

Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan

Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.

[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever

How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:

[serving dinner]

ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?

WIFE: Flambé?

ME: I’ve flambéd your soup

Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.

Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease

50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

Me on my way to annoy my favorite person

volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first