When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
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Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”