when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
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People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Feel. He’s so soft.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer