Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.

I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.

Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit

Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?

*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*

Me: The gym.

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”

I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now

Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.

Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day

I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.

“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”

“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

Pete: I’m Pete

Peter: I’m Peter

Me, competitive: I’m Petest

I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.

doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high

me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep

I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻‍♂️

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.

I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?

Me: I want ice cr-

Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy

Read “intermittent fasting” as “internet fasting,” and I think I may have inadvertently stumbled upon the healthiest lifestyle change ever

My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.

some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting

I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.

[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.

HER: I wanna be your everything.

ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.

HER: No, not like-

ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..