When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
You Might Also Like
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
“I wouldn’t.”
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.