Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.

In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.

if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?

Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.

ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…

I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.

How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?

I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it

GOD: I gave you my son.

MAN: You mean your only son?

GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.

I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.

Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.

Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!

[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those

People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are

Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep

Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.

…No, YOU shut up.

[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.

Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this

One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.

Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this

FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!

ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on

*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*

Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?

I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.

Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.

A dog opens the front door.

Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.

“Hey, buddy. How was work?”

And the dog goes “RUFF.”