When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
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Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.