Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yup.

being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work

I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …

[news anchor]

“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”

Me: Did-

Wife: Your blood pressure is fine

[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.

Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes

I met my wife on Tinder.!

*After 4 months of marriage

shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms

Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.

Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.

I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.

Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.

LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the bible

CHEWBACCA: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also the bible

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.

Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship

Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.

I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.

Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.

Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!

*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”

“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen

*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall

I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.

The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.