Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

This is still funny.

my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.

Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave

Ok cat haters, explain this…

Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.

My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.

“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today

*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples

Me: Did you use the elevator?

Friend: I took the stairs.

Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me

Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.

Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.

Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*

Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*

“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head

Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.

Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open

There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

I’ve had worse

Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not

[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok

The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.

The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.

If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”